Kicking the bucket

So tonight my grandmother died. Really I am relieved. I am a little stunned, that it took so long. Let me start by saying my grandmother and I weren't close, in fact any attempt made to get to know her was pretty much shot down. I have known for awhile now that she was near the end, it's just a sense I have. I honestly can say I am relieved though because I think now her son and daughter-in-law can get on with their lives.

I always hoped that one day my grandmother in her state of Alzheimer would mistake me for my dead mother and spill the beans on some huge family secret. You see grandma was very tight lipped about herself, the past, and really anything if not everything. It was like pulling teeth at times to even get simple facts for family trees or just to know where she came from. In fact some of us suspected that my grandmother had been abused at some point just based on her reactions to various things in life or on TV. When grandma did start to share you couldn't push or force her to talk just let her talk and thank God for the glimpse of who she was.

I am pretty sure my grandmother was the first person I didn't like because she hurt my mother. now don;t get me wrong I loved my grandmother but I didn't like her. I am the type of person that if you hurt someone I love then pretty much I will let you know that I dislike you (passive aggressively of course). It took sometime to take pity on my grandmother for lack of a better term. I think I actually tried to start making an effort right before my mother died and then greatly so after I saw the relationship or lack there of that my sister was having with her. No matter how many steps I took though there was know "getting to know her".

My dream theory was that my grandmother was really Shirley Temple. At some point growing up my mother had said that know one knew how old Shirley Temple was and there was some mystery in her past. In my head I had put together that my grandmother was really Shirley Temple because they looked alike. I reasoned that they were switch in their late teens. Another theory I had was that my prude of a grandmother had a lover on the side somewhere and it was all just for show. I guess I will never really know beyond what I learned from my parents, my uncle and my own observations.

We always used to joke that grandma kinda got skipped when it came to being cool. My Great-Grandmother coolest lady I every knew, loved to share, loved to joke and laugh. My mother again another cool lady. Somewhere the coolness skipped a generation with my grandmother. I can only hope it doesn't skip another with me.