As another year ends and we are on the cusp of a new year...2009. A year full of possibilities and expectations. I ponder, what is to come? Will this be the year? Should I even hope?
I am a bit depressed, depressed might be a bit extreme, but let's face it. I am tired of being a totally awesome, great looking, fun loving, mature woman who also is hopelessly single. I know your saying now wait if all that is so true then how is that possible, beats the hell out of me too.
In the past week I have had more then my share of strangers, who after meeting me and talking to me find it "hard to believe" I'm still single. I also know that complete strangers shouldn't hold much weight, but I also get the same from people that know me (not those that are family or close to it, you know the ones that have to say that sort of thing) you know friends and co-workers. When it comes from them it's almost like turning the knife.
Now don't get me wrong I know if I did "have someone" a lot of things would change, I WANT CHANGE.
The best (or worst) is the eharmony promo stuff. Apparently when you get a match during the holidays the send you stuff like. Come out of the cold with...., don't spend the holidays alone spend it with..., try something new in 2009... OMG, really.
I say all this to say, here to 2009 a year of possibilities.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Why do we try so hard?
Why do we try so hard to fit in, to get noticed, to stand out, to please other, to be everything for everyone including ourselves, except the person we were truly meant to be. I know in this crazy messed up world we sometime lose sight of what is most important.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Kicking the bucket
So tonight my grandmother died. Really I am relieved. I am a little stunned, that it took so long. Let me start by saying my grandmother and I weren't close, in fact any attempt made to get to know her was pretty much shot down. I have known for awhile now that she was near the end, it's just a sense I have. I honestly can say I am relieved though because I think now her son and daughter-in-law can get on with their lives.
I always hoped that one day my grandmother in her state of Alzheimer would mistake me for my dead mother and spill the beans on some huge family secret. You see grandma was very tight lipped about herself, the past, and really anything if not everything. It was like pulling teeth at times to even get simple facts for family trees or just to know where she came from. In fact some of us suspected that my grandmother had been abused at some point just based on her reactions to various things in life or on TV. When grandma did start to share you couldn't push or force her to talk just let her talk and thank God for the glimpse of who she was.
I am pretty sure my grandmother was the first person I didn't like because she hurt my mother. now don;t get me wrong I loved my grandmother but I didn't like her. I am the type of person that if you hurt someone I love then pretty much I will let you know that I dislike you (passive aggressively of course). It took sometime to take pity on my grandmother for lack of a better term. I think I actually tried to start making an effort right before my mother died and then greatly so after I saw the relationship or lack there of that my sister was having with her. No matter how many steps I took though there was know "getting to know her".
My dream theory was that my grandmother was really Shirley Temple. At some point growing up my mother had said that know one knew how old Shirley Temple was and there was some mystery in her past. In my head I had put together that my grandmother was really Shirley Temple because they looked alike. I reasoned that they were switch in their late teens. Another theory I had was that my prude of a grandmother had a lover on the side somewhere and it was all just for show. I guess I will never really know beyond what I learned from my parents, my uncle and my own observations.
We always used to joke that grandma kinda got skipped when it came to being cool. My Great-Grandmother coolest lady I every knew, loved to share, loved to joke and laugh. My mother again another cool lady. Somewhere the coolness skipped a generation with my grandmother. I can only hope it doesn't skip another with me.
I always hoped that one day my grandmother in her state of Alzheimer would mistake me for my dead mother and spill the beans on some huge family secret. You see grandma was very tight lipped about herself, the past, and really anything if not everything. It was like pulling teeth at times to even get simple facts for family trees or just to know where she came from. In fact some of us suspected that my grandmother had been abused at some point just based on her reactions to various things in life or on TV. When grandma did start to share you couldn't push or force her to talk just let her talk and thank God for the glimpse of who she was.
I am pretty sure my grandmother was the first person I didn't like because she hurt my mother. now don;t get me wrong I loved my grandmother but I didn't like her. I am the type of person that if you hurt someone I love then pretty much I will let you know that I dislike you (passive aggressively of course). It took sometime to take pity on my grandmother for lack of a better term. I think I actually tried to start making an effort right before my mother died and then greatly so after I saw the relationship or lack there of that my sister was having with her. No matter how many steps I took though there was know "getting to know her".
My dream theory was that my grandmother was really Shirley Temple. At some point growing up my mother had said that know one knew how old Shirley Temple was and there was some mystery in her past. In my head I had put together that my grandmother was really Shirley Temple because they looked alike. I reasoned that they were switch in their late teens. Another theory I had was that my prude of a grandmother had a lover on the side somewhere and it was all just for show. I guess I will never really know beyond what I learned from my parents, my uncle and my own observations.
We always used to joke that grandma kinda got skipped when it came to being cool. My Great-Grandmother coolest lady I every knew, loved to share, loved to joke and laugh. My mother again another cool lady. Somewhere the coolness skipped a generation with my grandmother. I can only hope it doesn't skip another with me.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Things that make me smile
Go to a movie that is not so popular and waiting til the end of the credits to leave so I annoy the ushers a little. Extra smiles if they poke their head in to see if any one is left : )
Go to the video store to come across the stereo type of a video store worker. The guy who lives for gaming and watching all movies. The guy when you pick out a movie says, "this really sucks, I wouldn't want anyone to waste 1 hour and 45 minutes of their life on this. " Than after you randomly mention another title he is able to tell you haw it is. : )
Doing something for someone for no other reason but to do it. Extra points if you can do it without being found out. : )
Hockey fights, Demolition Derby, Bull Riding, Figure Racing. Yes I am a redneck at heart. : )
A good book, an awesome cup of coffee and the time to enjoy both. : )
Baking for others just because I can and I am good at it. : )
People who communicate their best through MySpace, Facebook, etc. : )
Seeing children get play and truly get to be children. : )
Hearing a child speak like an adult but with nothing to loose. : )
Tuesday Night wing night with my friend. : )
Great breakfast food. : )
Watching a couple that has been together forever and are still in love. Extra points if they are both greying. : )
A light rain that you can walk through. : )
A heavy rain that you can sit and listen two. : )
Porch swings with lemonade and friends. : )
Making other people question "why is she so happy and smiling?" : )
Walking in fresh cut grass in my bare feet. : )
Good pictures ones that I can look at and say "Dang I look good!" : )
A good love story, one in which not everything is perfect, but that is like life really is. : )
Having a come back for the guy that always has one and throwing him off just a bit. : )
Saying "In bed!" at the end of a fortune from a fortune cookie. : )
Holding hands with the one. : )
Meeting the one. : )
Being known as the odd ball. : )
Not being what people expect. : )
Laughing so hard I cry. : )
Laughing so hard I can't breath but wheeze. : )
Sleeping in. : )
Waking up to a brand new day. : )
Silly directions, like "For best results remove cap" (Easy cheese) : )
Silly warning, like the one that say not to use your curling iron on your eye lashes. : )
Writing in a candidate that doesn't exist. : )
Knowing my waiter/waitresses name. : )
People watching. : )
Farmers market. : )
Truly good fresh fruit. : )
A long needed massage. : )
Mani and pedi. : )
A good nights sleep. : )
The walks with my dad when we really talk. : )
The late night talks with my brother. : )
Dancing for no others reason then to dance. : )
Randomly singing a song because one word someone said reminded me of it. : )
A cool pair of earrings that didn't cost an arm and a leg. : )
Helping people. : )
Hearing someones story. : )
Go to the video store to come across the stereo type of a video store worker. The guy who lives for gaming and watching all movies. The guy when you pick out a movie says, "this really sucks, I wouldn't want anyone to waste 1 hour and 45 minutes of their life on this. " Than after you randomly mention another title he is able to tell you haw it is. : )
Doing something for someone for no other reason but to do it. Extra points if you can do it without being found out. : )
Hockey fights, Demolition Derby, Bull Riding, Figure Racing. Yes I am a redneck at heart. : )
A good book, an awesome cup of coffee and the time to enjoy both. : )
Baking for others just because I can and I am good at it. : )
People who communicate their best through MySpace, Facebook, etc. : )
Seeing children get play and truly get to be children. : )
Hearing a child speak like an adult but with nothing to loose. : )
Tuesday Night wing night with my friend. : )
Great breakfast food. : )
Watching a couple that has been together forever and are still in love. Extra points if they are both greying. : )
A light rain that you can walk through. : )
A heavy rain that you can sit and listen two. : )
Porch swings with lemonade and friends. : )
Making other people question "why is she so happy and smiling?" : )
Walking in fresh cut grass in my bare feet. : )
Good pictures ones that I can look at and say "Dang I look good!" : )
A good love story, one in which not everything is perfect, but that is like life really is. : )
Having a come back for the guy that always has one and throwing him off just a bit. : )
Saying "In bed!" at the end of a fortune from a fortune cookie. : )
Holding hands with the one. : )
Meeting the one. : )
Being known as the odd ball. : )
Not being what people expect. : )
Laughing so hard I cry. : )
Laughing so hard I can't breath but wheeze. : )
Sleeping in. : )
Waking up to a brand new day. : )
Silly directions, like "For best results remove cap" (Easy cheese) : )
Silly warning, like the one that say not to use your curling iron on your eye lashes. : )
Writing in a candidate that doesn't exist. : )
Knowing my waiter/waitresses name. : )
People watching. : )
Farmers market. : )
Truly good fresh fruit. : )
A long needed massage. : )
Mani and pedi. : )
A good nights sleep. : )
The walks with my dad when we really talk. : )
The late night talks with my brother. : )
Dancing for no others reason then to dance. : )
Randomly singing a song because one word someone said reminded me of it. : )
A cool pair of earrings that didn't cost an arm and a leg. : )
Helping people. : )
Hearing someones story. : )
Random
I have decided to join the craze and begin blogging. Who knows what will come of it. I find myself "going with the flow" and not in the laid back kind of way. I find myself not really knowing who I am and what I want at this point in my life. Actually no that's not true. Looking back I was beginning to drift along and do as others do. There by perpetuating my belief that there are very few original thought out there. I was and to some degree turning into my friends. I have chosen to take a step back and review, reorganize and revamp. Me, Myself and I . I don't want to conform I want to do my best to be an individual. It always upsets me when individuals (myself included), simple be and don't do. I was a doer and somewhere along life's journey I became a be'r.
NO MORE SAY I. For the past few months I have taken myself on a bit of a journey of self discover, not the kind involving meditation and a walk about. I have simply stepped back a bit to see what is going on. I know for many of my friends this has caused them to question who I am....but are we really friends. I want to know people I want to love people, and unfortunately many of my "friends" don;t want to be known and loved. I am tired of the surface relationships that we try to pass off as deep . I am tired of not speaking up and telling those around me how much they mean to me. I am tired of holding back whether it hurts or offends. I want to be the rawest realest person I know.
God put me here for a reason and I feel I am slipping. Slipping into what well that is a good question. I know if I asked my closes friends the one's that I do truly connect with they would say what are you talking about. "WELL I WANT MORE"
NO MORE SAY I. For the past few months I have taken myself on a bit of a journey of self discover, not the kind involving meditation and a walk about. I have simply stepped back a bit to see what is going on. I know for many of my friends this has caused them to question who I am....but are we really friends. I want to know people I want to love people, and unfortunately many of my "friends" don;t want to be known and loved. I am tired of the surface relationships that we try to pass off as deep . I am tired of not speaking up and telling those around me how much they mean to me. I am tired of holding back whether it hurts or offends. I want to be the rawest realest person I know.
God put me here for a reason and I feel I am slipping. Slipping into what well that is a good question. I know if I asked my closes friends the one's that I do truly connect with they would say what are you talking about. "WELL I WANT MORE"
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